the hiatus

between the 9th of december and today things have happened which, even with my relative anonymity, are hard to share. i'm sorry. this whole thing is for sharing thoughts and yet there are some thoughts which are too dark to share. i got back on the heroine. you probably guessed from my last post. i got back off the heroine. it was a blip. for how long only time will tell. i'm back now. and it hasn't been easy getting back. thank god its been quick. i feel as if i have been away on a strange island, playing my role in a rigged game show. truth is i feel like this all the time. as i'm sure you do too. but the last two weeks have had an edge to them that made me that little bit more conscious of my island surroundings. it will be christmas in 3 days. somebody once told me, in spain they don't really celebrate christmas until the 6th of january. that's when the 3 kings came with their gifts for the king of kings. before christianity came the pagans would have been celebrating something to do with the sun or the moon today. i'm sure many still do. today, the 24th, the 25th, the 6th, whenever you decide to celebrate whatever you're actually celebrating this time of year i hope you truly believe in what you're celebrating. and when you go out on to the ice-shrouded street to spend and spend, give a coin or two to a homeless man, woman or child. or buy them a cup of coffee and a warm meal and chat with them for a while. not because they have nobody to chat to. they probably have more honest friends than you. and not because you feel sorry for us and you want to prove just what a fucking saint you are. make them believe that whatever you believe in - whatever will drive you down into the pits of drunkenness and gluttony today, on the 24th, the 25th or the 6th, or any other day in between - will one day make this world a little less cold, just that bit more livable. i wish i knew you. i wish i could sit like a ghost in the festive room where you will be disappointed by your gifts but smile nonetheless, and quietly fight with your horny uncle and avoid your embarrassing aunt, skirt carefully around conversations about your dead father, or your parents' divorce, or your own divorce, skip the bit about the girl you fucked at the christmas work party, or how far in to debt you've sunk this year. and then? inevitably it all goes there. every road to a rome of ruins. this is all i believe in.